How will a baby change your life?

There is no journey more profound and transformative than that of becoming a new parent, so it should be of no surprise that many find the process to be as challenging as it is exciting.

Here we take a look at that age-old and in some ways unanswerable question: how will becoming a parent change your life?

How will having a baby change your life – the short answer

Perhaps there can be no shorter answer to this question than: ‘Hugely’.

However, there is another popular, shortish answer to the question: ‘You can’t possibly know what it is like to become a parent until it actually happens’.

But while these are both true, they offer little in the way of practical help, which is why we have attempted to break down some of the key changes that you can begin to have a more detailed understanding of how becoming a parent will change you.

Your concept of time will change

This is not just because everything about having a child (from getting baby ready in the morning, to taking her out to the shops, to spending long hours feeding her in the night) will be a drain on your once free time, it is also because you will wonder what you actually used to do with all that time in your pre-baby days.

Time will also take on a new meaning in that you will probably begin thinking about it not just in relation to your own lifespan, but also in relation to that of your child and her potential offspring. A baby has immense gravity and once you are sucked into its orbit, your world will never be the same again.

You will worry, all the time

Some parents report that pregnancy and early parenthood result in the development of new and heightened perceptions of fear. Where once you might not have worried about climbing a ladder or getting ill, now you will.7

And don’t forget the whole new universe of fear related to your child. Has she slept enough? Has she eaten enough? Is this rash normal? Is she developing at a normal rate? Did she come into contact with this or that pathogen? Once you slip down the wormhole of parent-related fear, there is no going back – for all of parenthood’s innumerable joys, you are also guaranteed a lifetime of gut-wrenching worry.

However, it’s important to take all this worry in your stride. Generally, most babies grow up healthy, happy , well-fed and feeling loved and content. Keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best job you can do and keep your wilder worries in check so that you can concentrate on providing the essentials. If you feel your worry and anxiety is getting out of hand, it might be time to see your GP to talk it through.

You will develop new organisational skills

Pre-baby you might not have given much thought to how you get through the week’s laundry or how you manage to prepare a meal each night. Once you have a baby and time feels like it is shrinking, chances are that you will begin to plan these tasks ahead of time.

What can you freeze in advance? Where will you hang washing if it rains all day? Will you ever tick everything off your to-do list? Everything you do will need to fit around your baby’s sometimes unpredictable routine and aside from your new found necessity for organisation, you will also need to develop adaptability and a way to forgive yourself if you don’t get everything done. After all, you are a parent, not a superhero (but, secretly, every parent is a superhero).

Your heart will swell (metaphorically)

Imagine there is a drug you could take that would instantly increase your capacity for human love and empathy. This is what having a baby is likely to do to you. But you might wonder, if you have space in your heart for all this new parental love? Well, the flip side of all that fear we mentioned above is that there is a whole new universe of love available to you. So, just enjoy those moments when you look at your baby and you feel so much love that you want to burst. It’s a feeling like no other and one of the most wonderful things about becoming a parent.

We do, however, understand that not every parent takes to parenthood as easily as this and that postnatal depression and PTSD following childbirth are common for many new mothers and their partners. If you feel that there are issues relating to your bonding with your child, speak to your health visitor or GP as soon as you can.

You will not be same the person (literally)

Scientists have found that nearly all female mammals experience “profound changes” during pregnancy, birth and lactation. Hormonal activity inherent in these processes impacts the brain, causing “complex structural and functional changes”, particularly in relation to ” maternal caregiving… reward/motivation, salience/threat detection, emotional regulation, and social cognition such as the ability to empathize and infer the mental state of the baby”. (1)

Furthermore, Dutch research has proved that during pregnancy, fetal cells become part of the maternal body as part of a process known as “microchimerism,” it’s the presence of cells “with a different genetic background” within your body. In a sense, these cells, which belong to your child, mean that you’re no longer entirely the same person you were pre-pregnancy. (2)

And it is not just mothers whose brains are irrevocably changed by parenthood. Recent studies have found structural changes in the brains of fathers too, while one study found an interesting reorganisation of priorities in the paternal brain — with a reduced desire for sexual conquest replaced by a greater interest in the wellbeing of young children.(3)

You may be less Instagrammable

You will sleep less, you will have to feed, change, dress and play with your baby; and you will have to deal with car seats, breast pumps, piles of washing and midnight milk runs. As such, you may have less time in the shower, less time for your hair, less time for ironing and less time for feedback from your bathroom mirror.

Eventually, your ability to have a little me-time will come back, and while you might not be happy with the way you look as you make your way to the supermarket, your baby will always think you look fabulous.

You will wonder why you ever complained of being tired before

Broken sleep is one of the main downsides of having a newborn in your life. Tiredness can be a serious problem for new parents and one which should not be overlooked as ‘par for the course’. If your night’s sleep has been broken by feeds and nappy changes, try to sllep during the day when your baby does. Learn to use those times to look after yourself rather than using them to do housework.

You will get through the months of broken sleep, but it will be hard, and when you do get the sleep you need, it will be appreciated in a way that you cannot comprehend until a baby arrives in your life.

You may become a more careful consumer

Parents are naturally careful about what they feed their children and this will likely have a knock-on effect for your diet. As such, you may find that you drink less alcohol, eat greater quantities of fresh fruit and vegetables, develop an interest in organic food and suddenly consider such things as whether your beauty and cleaning products contain potentially harmful ingredients. Inevitably, this wariness might come at a financial cost, but if you are able to make these changes, you will almost certainly consider it a sacrifice worth making.

You’re still looking after number one, but you’re not number one anymore

This one really is self-explanatory. Now you have a child there is someone whose life you value even above your own. It is mind-blowing.

You better understand your own parents (or not)

You may begin to better understand your own parents’ actions and decisions. This may lead to renewed bonds with your mum and dad and even help you to forgive them for certain life events that you have previously considered unforgivable. However, in some cases, the opposite may occur; now you have someone in your life who you cherish above all others, including yourself, you may wonder how your own parents ever acted with so little love or care.

These feelings are entirely understandable and you should give them time to work themselves out as your parenting journey progresses. You will probably see new things about yourself and your parents every day.

Your relationship with your partner changes

Although romance and sex may not be dead, chances are that it will feel this way, particularly at the beginning. One or both you may lose libido and energy and you will both inevitably lose sleep and time, whereas if you are a single parent, you will likely lose both the time and inclination to swipe right on Tinder.

Some partners may find it particularly hard to adjust to the new reality of feeling secondary to their new child. Add to this new levels of irritability and responsibility and, at times, it may seem like your relationship is headed for the rocks. However, this is all normal. Keep talking and tend to each other’s emotional needs as much as possible and chances are that you’ll work through it. And remember, the fact you have brought new life into the world together means that your bond is in fact stronger than ever before.

Conclusion – you will find it overwhelming, but you will also take it in your stride

Becoming a parent is overwhelming and it will inevitably change you. However, although you may not realise it, you already have many of the things in place that you will need to help you negotiate the journey. The artist Sarah Walker once likened becoming a new parent to finding a hitherto undiscovered room in your brain. Much of what you need to become a good parent is already there. After all, you have both your own experiences and millions of years of evolutionary hardwiring to prepare you for the journey. It will be challenging, but stay strong, educate yourself, trust your instincts and every moment will be worthwhile.

(1) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6440938/
(2) https://academic.oup.com/molehr/article/21/11/857/2459808
(3) https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0306453014001474