Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Get Pregnant

For most of us there can be no decision more profound than whether or not to have children. Most of us recognise that the world is an imperfect place and quite rightly this may lead us to have reservations about what it means to bring another human into existence. We are also likely to question ourselves and our own capability to raise a child, particularly if we struggle to manage our own affairs and care for ourselves. But guess what? If you are asking these questions, this is a good sign.

Quite apart from the huge, philosophical questions, there are more mundane factors to consider, not least the cost. It is estimated that raising a child up to the age of eighteen costs £75,436 for a couple and £102,627 for a single parent or guardian. Against this background it is easy to see why birth rates among millennials are declining.

But the truth is that even if your financial situation is less than ideal and even if you have little to no experience of caring for another person, you may still choose to have a child and may find that, despite all the odds, the experience transforms your perception of the world in the most positive way imaginable.

Sadly, (and perhaps thankfully) there is no formula or algorithm that can help you decide whether it’s the right time to have a child, so the most useful thing you can do might be to consider some key questions and then examine your own head and heart. Our list below will help you with the first part, but, as for the second part, well, that’s entirely up to you.

Do you carry any heritable conditions or genetic disorders?

Deciding whether or not to have a baby is a difficult decision for anyone, but if you have concerns that your child might be born with an inherited condition, the question can seem even more burdensome. This is something you need to discuss first with your partner and then with your GP, who can help you make a fully informed decision.

Do you have the finances?

Having a baby is an expensive business! You will need to consider whether you can afford all the things that will allow you to raise your child in the way you wish. This can range from the everyday essentials such as nappies and baby clothes, through to ongoing expenses such as food and childcare, all the way to more fundamental big-ticket expenses such as a larger car or house.

Does your partner want a child?

If you are in a relationship with another person, you will need to consult them. This is true even if they have previously voiced their thoughts on the subject. For a start, people change their minds – changes in circumstances and experience have the power to make us think differently as time passes – and secondly there is a difference between being asked something theoretically and being asked in actuality. And this is never more true than when it relates to bringing a whole new life into the world.

What does your co-parenting journey look like in your mind? Who will do what? Whose career will take priority? Who will take the majority of the sleepless nights or will you share these? Who will change the nappies? All these questions, big and small, are important and will help you and your partner better understand each other so that you can decide together and with confidence.

It is also useful to remember that there are different reasons why couples might choose to have or not to have children. For example, some may wish to preserve their relationship by remaining childless, while others might want to build on what they enjoy together by having a child. There is no right or wrong here – it is entirely a matter of perspective – so it is important that you respect whatever your partner’s feelings might be, even if they do not align with your own.

However, your partner will need to be clear about their feelings and be open to discussing them; they owe you that much – sitting on the fence is of no help to anyone in this situation – but they may also need time to properly digest the question and process their thoughts before being ready to answer that question – do you want to have a child with me?.

Finally, do not make the mistake of embarking on the parenting journey as a desperate bid to save a relationship – many will have tried this and many will have found that having a baby is not the relationship remedy they had hoped for.

Can you accept that there isn’t a right or wrong answer?

Whatever decision you make, it will be a compromise. If you decide to have a child, you will be sacrificing some aspects of your independence and social life and perhaps your career too. If you decide not to have a child, you will never experience the parenting journey and all the joys that come with it. As such, there is no “right” or “wrong” decision.

The following may be a useful exercise for helping you decide whether to have a child: Imagine your two future selves: one that has had a child, the other that has not. Think about the respective joys and regrets of your two future selves. Which of your future selves experiences the biggest joy and which experiences the biggest regret?

Are you ready to move on from your own childhood?

A difficult childhood can make us reticent about having children of our own, particularly if we have experienced abuse or neglect in our own youth. If you have any doubts about whether you have properly addressed the issues of your childhood and are concerned this might influence your decision, now is a good time to talk these things through, ideally with a qualified therapist.

Do you have the biological urge?

Some people report that not only do they go weak at the knees every time they see or hear an infant, they also experience a profoundly overwhelming existential urge to procreate and raise new life. This may even feel like a calling to “do something that’s bigger than you”, to “take care of another person” or to be “completely selfless”. These are primal instincts and are almost impossible to argue with – if you cannot stop thinking about the question, it could indicate that parenthood is likely to be in the best interests of your wellbeing.

Have you considered the worst aspects of parenthood?

Yes, we all know about the joys and rewards, but there can be no denying that raising a child is difficult, and at times it’s really difficult. It is important that you understand the unprecedented and unrelenting demands it will place on your time, sleep, energy and finances. You will regularly feel this pressure and you will also be repeatedly challenged by a child who seems to uncannily know how to press all your buttons.

And parenting will be painful; if only because you love your child so much that you will spend the rest of your life worrying about them – it never stops.

Can you sign up for a free trial?

It is all very well researching the question of whether to have a child but there is only so much Google searching and intellectual reflection you can usefully undertake in this regard. Perhaps the best way to test your practical, emotional and psychological readiness to have a child is to borrow one!

Of course, for some this is easier said than done, but if you have nephews and nieces or are perhaps a Godparent to one or more children, taking care of them for a weekend or two is a great taster of what parenthood might feel like. Yes, a couple of weekends caring for someone else’s young children will never replicate the daily grind of the real deal but it is at least something that might unlock new ways of thinking about what it means to be responsible for a baby, toddler or child.

Do you want to leave it to fate?

Some people take the no-decision option. This means that they do nothing and in being passive leave the question entirely to fate and biology. However, doing nothing is still a choice of sorts – it’s just that it might end up being a bad one. This is because a passive strategy risks leaving you unprepared and potentially filled with future regret if, for example, you become pregnant at a difficult time or, some years down the line, you find you are yearning for a child at just the time when your fertility may be declining.

Conclusion

Whatever you decide, or don’t decide right away, you are doing the responsible thing by taking the time to reflect and to ask yourself questions. Recent research indicates that UK parents take an average of 17 days to decide whether to have a baby. You may take more time or you may take less – the key point is that the decision should be entirely down to you and your partner and that it should be taken without stress or pressure.